I've been hearing a lot of undue praise for my arch-nemesis Brendan Huedepohl recently. "Brendan Huedepohl is entirely likable." "Brendan Huedepohl is a friendly person." "Brendan Huedepohl never once strangled a hobo."
I can't take any more. Brendan Huedepohl is not the glowing figure he is made out to be. Brendan Huedepohl is a villian. Brendan Huedepohl is the worst person I've ever met.
Brendan Huedepohl steals hubcaps. He chews tobacco. He pretends to only speak Spanish when goes through a drive-through.
Brendan Huedepohl spent one whole summer driving around in an ice cream truck. He would tell the kids that he was completely sold out of ice cream, all the while stuffing his face with butter-brickle.
Brendan Heudepohl wrote bad checks to the Red Cross. He only communicates in "l33t speak." He bought his most recent car used from Al Qaeda.
In 2004, Brendan Huedepohl planted massive warheads deep in the ocean. When detonated, these caused enormous underwater earthquakes, triggering the tsunami that killed thousands. He did this all because he hates Thai food.
Brendan Huedepohl once dipped a dog in paint and put it in the oven. He digs up Indian burial mounds, then reshapes them into enormous earthen phalluses.
A sloppy eater, Brendan Huedepohl grew a mustache just so he could get food caught in it to gross people out.
Brendan Huedepohl once glued pennies to his girlfriend while she slept. When she woke up, he told her he did it so that she could finally be "worth something to someone."
Brendan Huedepohl hired illegal immigrants to do his yardwork, then called the INS. Brendan Huedepohl lets his car idle in his garage all night, just to waste gas.
Brendan Heudepohl refuses to pay his own taxes, but steals refund checks from his neighbors.
Every Halloween, Brendan Huedepohl dresses up as a Klansman. At night he breaks into his best friend's house and pees in his toilet tank.
Brendan Huedepohl never makes anyone happy. He knows only evil. He should be destroyed.
Brendan Huedepohl is hate.
I’ve been reading a lot of bad press about my buddy Simon Halder lately. He’s being dogged all over the Internet, the TV, the radio. Everyone from the lowly bloggers to the high-powered pundits are heaping blatantly untrue accusations on him. “Simon Halder molests dogs,” they say. “Simon Halder replaced my chunky peanut butter with creamy.” “Simon Halder is responsible for the incredibly short life span of fruit flies.”
This really gets my hackles up. Simon Halder is not the hateful monster he is made out to be. Simon Halder is a good friend. He got straight As in school. He always roots for the home team. He lives only to serve.
Simon Halder can recite pi to 80 decimal places, but only does it when it is helpful, never to show off. Simon teaches men to fish, but also gives them a fish. This way they can eat forever, but really pig out today.
Simon Halder wears a tie. He is virile and handsome.
Simon Halder offered me a no-fees checking account with a 4% interest rate. When it’s yellow, Simon Halder lets it mellow, unless there is company coming over, because that is gross and Simon Halder recognizes that.
Simon Halder never runs spell check. He doesn’t need to.
Simon Halder loans out chapstick, and doesn’t even get grossed out by it; he always plays it cool. (I think this is because Simon Halder is immune to all forms of disease).
Simon Halder’s belly button is the perfect size for Conversation Hearts. He always has “Luv You” tucked in there.
Simon Halder dispenses street justice, but also second chances. His street cred is unparalleled, but his refined good taste is unquestionable. Simon Halder has friend requests from every single registered member of myspace. He hasn’t gone through all of them yet, but he will. He’s very considerate, but also very busy.
Mr. T pities not Simon Halder. Simon Halder was state yo-yo champion three years running. Simon Halder runs the city’s largest youth midnight basketball league; he is friends with all the teenagers, but not in a creepy way.
Simon Halder is all things to all men. He should be lionized. Statues should be erected on every corner. Simon Halder is a hero.
Simon Halder is love.