Horrible Taste Test: Cel-Ray

by Curry
June 12th, 2004

What the fuck is Cel-Ray, you ask? Celery. Flavored. Soda.

That's right.


If I were in charge of turning some kind of food that should never be in a soda into a soda, celery would have never even come close to occuring to me. I mean, really. What sort of sick slab of crap would decide to carbonate and can celery. WHAT SORT?

Apparently what ever sort of person "Dr. Brown" is. 'Cause that son of a bitch did it.

I was walking through Walmart when I saw it on the shelf. How could I resist its charms? I couldn't. Unbeknownst to Norah, I slipped it into the cart and got the six-pack home before she could suspect I'd so fruitlessly wasted fifty cents.

I let the six-pack sit in the fridge for about a week before I could bring myself to even think about trying it. Finally, I decided to go for it. I got out a can, walked into my living room, and then chickened out and talked my friend Katie into trying it.

She could only stomach the smallest of sips. She tried to convince me it wasn't that bad. I wasn't fooled, however. She refused any further drinks of it, and poured the rest of her can down the sink.

The next day, I took a can to work with me. I convinced this dude I work with to give it a shot. He was not pleased. "Oh, GOD! It's FUCKING TERRIBLE!" He, too, poured most of his can into the sink.

Finally, that night I decided to go ahead and risk it. The first thing that you are assaulted by when opening the can is the smell. The smell is AWFUL. And although it shouldn't be surprising, it's a shocking celery-scented assault. I took the plunge, and took a swig.

Curry tastes Cel-Ray.

The taste was atrocious. I couldn't bring myself to swallow it, so I did my best to spit it all back in the can.

Curry hates Cel-Ray.

This shit is tremendously bad. It tastes a lot like Dr. Brown took a bunch of celery, threw it into some sewage, added a SHITLOAD of salt, and let it all rot for about a month. I can't imagine a celery-based drink ever being good, but can't imagine one ever being worse than this.

Final verdict:

Thumbs down.

Never, ever by this soda. This is by far the worst thing I've done a taste-test of yet. I give this soda zero stars.